Fellow geeks, this is a troubling time for those of us who appreciate high comedy. The greatest Slashdot joke of all time is dying. Although I never thought it would occur in my lifetime, the fall of Soviet Russia is upon us.

Tracing its heritage to the Cold War-era comedy of Yakov Smirnoff, the Soviet Russia joke has always followed a simple formula: in Soviet Russia, subject verbs YOU! The archetype comes from Yakov's infamous wordplay, most notably: "In America, you watch television. In Soviet Union, television watches YOU!"

The original is so elegant in its stupidity that it makes for the "perfect storm" of Slashdot jokes: both hopelessly inane and infinitely adaptable. The only real challenge in executing a Soviet Russia joke is making it even more asinine than Yakov.

Yet if the Soviet Russia joke is one of the most user-friendly Slashdot memes, it is also one of the most misunderstood. A Soviet Russia poster is often derided as a "troll"—one who wishes to disrupt the community by posting irrelevant or inflammatory nonsense. Soviet Russians are not trolls. Far from disrupting the community, they are contributing to its long-term cohesion by perpetuating the lingua franca of in-jokes, as I discussed in my treatise on the Chewbacca Defense.

Some critics wish the Soviet Russia joke to be more than it really is. The Slashdot user "yerricde" purported to establish the authoritative primer to Soviet Russia with a journal entry describing the "basics." He writes:

You may be able to squeeze even more humor by introducing the unexpected and breaking the Noun-Verb-YOU form: "In Soviet Russia, government doesn't worship Disney!" Or you can comment on the situation in "Soviet China" or "Soviet Germany" instead, as both are (China) or were (DDR) under Communist rule.

No, no, a thousand times, no. Yerricde exemplifies the stuffed-shirt culture that is draining Soviet Russians of their vitality. The Soviet Russia joke is great because it sneers at "ideology" and "relevance." While a little Stalinist flavor in the final product is encouraged, to otherwise infuse the joke with meaning is to kill it, as yerricde's deplorable example shows. (The one silver lining of yerricde's missive is that it inspired this delightful retort—"free time has too much YOU!"—a powerful assertion of proper Soviet Russia form.)

Unfortunately, the spoilsports and literalists are winning. Soviet Russia has been brought to its knees. Postings of the joke are less frequent and less zany of late. It seems that only the "dead horse beats YOU" variant is able to reliably garner a "+5, Funny" moderation, and that bit of self-reference does not bode well.

We must move on. It's time for the next great Slashdot in-joke. Not coincidentally, it's also time for the inaugural Blank of the Day Reader Challenge. The challenge is, simply, to create a Slashdot in-joke that can take the place of ailing Soviet Russia.

Like Othello, an enduring Slashdot joke should take a minute to learn, a lifetime to master. Its central conceit should be obvious and immediately tiresome, such that it enters the "so lame it's funny" realm with vigor. It should lend itself to indefinite permutations. It should be brief.

Entrants may wish to learn from other memes that tried but failed to reach the greatness of Soviet Russia. Take "You forgot Poland," which was too inflexible to outlast its initial wave of popularity. Its mild anti-Bush sentiment didn't help, either—the more universal your moronic joke is, the better. The Slashdot subculture entry in Wikipedia is a great way to refresh your memory of trails that have been trodden.

You may want to look to current Slashdot stories for inspiration, but beware—you may lose that element of timelessness that kept Soviet Russia in circulation for so long.

Here's how to enter. After concocting your joke, seed it "in the wild" by posting it to at least three Slashdot stories. Send the URLs of your comments in an e-mail to , along with a short summary of your concept and your vision for the joke's future. Keep it to 200 words or less. If you need more than 200 words, this is a good sign that your joke sucks. Include your name or handle, and the e-mail address where you'd like me to contact you. Your name/handle and message will be shared on BOTD if you win, but your e-mail address will be kept private.

Entries will be judged on the following criteria:

Response: Are you "+5, Funny" or "-1, Troll"? This isn't a deal-breaker—even Galileo was unappreciated in his own time—but it helps if your fellow nerds laugh with you. I'll be monitoring the URLs you send me to see how Slashdotters receive your joke.

Longevity: Does the joke have the capacity to mutate and renew itself for years to come, or will it be dead and forgotten by next Tuesday?

Brevity/Elegance: The tighter, the better. If your joke is short enough to be fired off in time for "first post!!!" you're doing well.

Do I Think It's Funny: This one's probably self-explanatory.

The prizes—First Prize. The winner receives, direct from Japan, a brand-new "Candy Pink" Nintendo DS.

Why pink? Pink is the color of the geek trendsetter, the alpha (fe)male of the tech underworld. If you're going to invent the next great Slashdot joke, you have to be a leader, a visionary, someone who makes everyone else stand up and take notice. This is the type of person who sports a pink DS, so this prize is designed to attract "the right stuff." Plus, it's prettier than the blue one.

This is a full-fledged DS system, and because the cartridges aren't region-encoded, you can play American DS and Game Boy Advance games. No need to brush up on your Japanese.

Second Prize. I didn't intend for this to become a Nintendo lovefest, but Sony doesn't make any cool tchotchkes like this, which goes to the runner-up:

It's a Super Mario Bros. diorama kit! Gadget Madness has an example—your scene will be one of seven in the "2nd Series." (I haven't opened the box, so I can't tell you which one.) If you were alive in the '80s and don't love this, you have no soul.

Toppo Prize. The winner and runner-up both get some Toppo. It's a year's supply, provided you eat one box every four months.

One last disclaimer. You can't win by default. If all the entries are duds, no toy for you. I'll give away the prizes somehow because I already have a DS, and I don't need another. (That'd be what, four screens?!) But I'm not going to reward the least-worst entry, so put some effort into it.

If you have questions, e-mail the challenge address. Here it is once again:

Deadline is July 10, 2005, midnight (JST). Get started!

posted by Johnny at 4:50 PM - Permalink

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