Monday, May 2, 2005
Gawk Hunters: The Game That Makes You Feel Extra-Special
Visiting Japan in the near future? Don't miss out on the latest gaijin craze: gawk-hunting. All you need is a non-East-Asian ancestry and a pair of sharp (but not too narrow!) eyes.
Other nations may rival Japan in the brazenness of their foreigner-gazing, but the Japanese have an unsurpassed variety of stares. During my travels, I've cataloged the wide spectrum of ogles that have come my way. The upshot of my hard work is a fun game.
Here's how to play. While enjoying the wonders of Japan, have a pen and paper on hand to keep track of the stares you get throughout the day. Have your friends do the same (unless one of them is a freak—if they're looking to get stared at, that's cheating). The point values follow:
Walking Gawk: A standard gawk. You're innocently walking along, and a Japanese person notices you. When the gawker's focus stays on you a moment too long, that's 1 point.
Instant-Replay Gawk: Similar to the Walking Gawk, except in this case the gawker doesn't spot you until he's almost passed you by. Not willing to let the moment slip away, he whips his head around to get a second look. Especially common on escalators (gawker going up, you going down, etc.). Score 2 points.
Restaurant Gawk: Just sit near the window in any restaurant or café and wait for the points to roll in. Every time a passerby eyes you up and down like a rotisserie chicken, that's 1 point.
Virus Gawk: First, you're identified as a target by Gawker Zero. Then she enthusiastically notifies her compatriots, and the epidemic spreads. Score 2 points for every gawker "infected" after the original. Schoolgirls and tourist groups are your best bet here. In a remote part of Okinawa, I got an entire busload from one hyperactive middle-aged woman.
Zoom Gawk: After an initial wide-angle gawk, the gawker focuses in on some identifying aspect of your foreign-ness. For instance, when riding my bicycle, I notice many gawks starting low and drifting up since I'm the only person in the city of Nagoya who wears a helmet. 2 points.
Baby Gawk: Any gawk by a child age 4 and under. The little bastards are pretty intense. Like ticks, they will lock on to you and won't let go until you burn them with a match. 3 points.
Seppuku Gawk: A deer-in-the-headlights-type gawk employed by a service person who sees you coming and would rather disembowel himself than attempt to converse with a foreigner. The gawker performs this one in utter terror as you approach with a question, which he knows will be impossible, like, "Do you have any peanut butter?" 3 points plus 2-point bonus if the gawker has pit stains by the time you get to him.
Foreigner Gawk: This is an unorthodox one. It's a gawk by a non-Japanese person like yourself and is seen mostly among tourists shocked to learn that they're not the first to visit this strange, oriental land. Pretty rare, but still more common than you'd think. 5 points.
Let's-Get-Comfortable Gawk: The gawker significantly adjusts her position to facilitate a good long stare. I have only ever seen this one among senior citizens. My favorite example is one octogenarian who was sitting on a bench in a waiting area. We sat down behind her, about eight feet away. She got one look at my blond, blue-eyed fiancée and just had to have more, so she swung her legs around to straddle the bench and proceeded to stare for a solid ten minutes. That must have been some kind of record, but it counts for 10 points just the same.
Oops! Gawk: A gawk that causes the person to stumble, crash, or otherwise make a clumsy fool of themselves. This is the holy grail of gawks, and I used to consider it purely theoretical, the province of academic papers and major motion pictures. That was until yesterday, when a gawker executed what seemed to be a typical escalator-bound instant-replay gawk in my direction. The problem is that he was walking up his escalator at the time, and his lapse in concentration caused him catch his shoe on the step, sending his head into his girlfriend's rear end. Oops! I doubt my hearty cries of joy and awe did much to ameliorate his embarrassment. What a day for gawk research! 20 points.
At the end of the day, compare your point totals. The winner buys drinks at the nearest Japanese-only members' club. Have fun.
