Monday, March 21, 2005
Blank of the Day Correspondence: A Letter to Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi
Dear Koizumi-san,
It feels a little awkward to call you Koizumi-san. I don't really understand the whole Japanese name suffix thing. If the prime minister doesn't get a special suffix, who does? Heck, even I can get "san." I get a little "sama" action when I go to 7-Eleven, too. Try that sometime. You can even pay your rent while you're there, which is convenient.
So the pay-your-rent-and-get-a-candy-bar thing is really working for Japan, but I've got some complaints. Don't fly off the handle, now -- Japan is a nice country, very enjoyable, friendly folks, etc. But my second-grade teacher taught me there's always room for improvement, and in that spirit, here's a few "to do" items you might take a look at the next time you've got a second.
- Fix Japanese computer keyboards. I'm sorry, I know the space bar isn't as big a deal over here, but a man still needs his space. It was days before I even found the quotation mark -- shift-2? What? Meanwhile, the "@" symbol gets prime real estate next to the "P." Plus, some keys have like a dozen things on them. No idea what that's all about. Here's my solution: use American keyboards. This is an easy one -- a "slam dunk," as our intelligence officials like to say.
- Fill cups all the way to the top. At almost every restaurant I go to in Japan, I order a drink and get a glass filled two-thirds to the top. This is a dirty trick, and I am on to it. Here's a job for your ministry that handles consumer affairs, if you have one. We call ours "Channel 7 SCAMBUSTERS."
- Import more cereals. The only American breakfast cereals I can ever find are Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and the occasional Cocoa Krispies. Kinda sugar-heavy, don't you think? Some of my favorites are Wheat Chex, Honey Nut Cheerios, Kix, Kellogg's Raisin Bran, and Frosted Mini-Wheats. A little healthier, but still tasty. I can have my mom send me over a Fun Pack if you want to try some yourself and decide which are best. I trust your judgment.
- Invent more crazy gadgets. Pardon me, I was told there would be crazy gadgets. But we have pretty much all the same stuff in the United States. The cellular network is nice, but that's cheating because Japan is smaller (no offense).
- Ignore whiny ex-pats (except me). This may sound hypocritical, but hear me out. So many hypersensitive Americans in Japan tell me they are insulted when Japanese people don't sit next to them in the subway, or when sidewalk hucksters don't hand them leaflets under the assumption that they can't read Japanese. I do not understand the mentality of my fellow citizens. Don't listen to them.
Please, do not dissuade subway patrons from thinking that I am smelly, and allow the leafleteers to think I am illiterate. Japan has given me the blessings of mass-transportation legroom and unfettered strolls in the city. I'm also encouraged to point at restaurant menu items rather than ordering them verbally, and many shopkeepers type out my total on a calculator instead of just telling me what it is. Far from being offended, I savor this paradise of minimal social interaction.
Don't let the moaning hippies destroy these conveniences. In fact, you should put this stuff in the tourism brochures. No need to call it racism -- it's personalized service on a cultural level.
In closing, I would like to apologize that our president made you ride in his truck. It appears that you were a good sport about it, though, and we thank you. He really likes that truck.
Sincerely yours,
Johnny
U.S. Citizen
A hard copy of the letter above has been sent to the office of Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi. Should Mr. Koizumi's office see fit to respond, the text of that reply will be posted on Blank.
